Why does it hurt so much?
by BortFanGirl1
Summary: Tauriel remains mourning over the dwarf that risked his life to save her own. She has not left his side yet, and she does not intend to. Her agony was more painful than words could describe, but WHY did it hurt so much? Why was she still here by his side? Because it was real. But WHAT was real? (Tauriel's POV)


Tauriel's POV:

A bitter cold winter's breeze vaguely passes by me; it swiftly blows through my hair, and violently bites at my skin-now turning it to shade of red. I no longer have feeling in my face, nor my hands. The only feeling I can feel is what lies beyond my breast. I remain sitting here; remain mourning over the dwarf that risked his life to save my own. I have not left his side yet, and I do not intend to.

I remember the way he looked at me as he was passing. I remember the sharp dagger piercing through his chest, but most of all, I remember the sharp pain in my own chest as I witnessed it. It hurts, it hurts so much. My nose begins to sniffle and I shut my eyes, trying as hard as I can to not cry, but a tear strolls down my cheek anyway. I hold onto his gloved hand that was still in mine, and I grasp it tightly but gently.

Every part of my body ached; however, although I could barely move from the pain of the battle between the offspring of Azok the Defiler-Bolg-and myself, my heart aches the most. I would do anything for somebody to take this pain away from me, although I know it is impossible. This agony is unwelcoming.

Opening my eyes again, I look down to see his beautiful but lifeless face.

_**"Aren't you going to search me?" He asked, looking up at me from the cell.**_

_**I looked at him.**_

"_**I could have anything down my trousers," he said.**_

_**"Or nothing," I remark.**_

Slowly, my lips tug into a smile, and I laugh softly. That seemed to be typical humor for a dwarf, and yet, I found it charming, as well as amusing. He was quite tall for a dwarf, but also very handsome. I let one of my hands gently stroke his messy, long, dark hair-enjoying the feeling.

_**"Sounds like quiet a party you're having up there," he pointed out.**_

_**"It is Mereth Nuin Giliath; the feast of starlight," I explained, gazing up at the night sky. "All light is sacred to the Eldar. What Wood elves love best is the light of the stars."**_

_**"I always thought of it as a cold light," he said sadly. " Remote, and far away."**_

_**"It is memory," I told him. "Precious and pure."**_

_**He stared up at me with a light in his dark brown eyes.**_

"…_**like your promise," I finished, handing him back the stone that was given to him by his mother.**_

There was indeed a party that night, but I did not attend. I wanted to speak with him, for as long as I possibly could. I almost wanted to stay in that moment forever.

_**"I have walked there sometimes. Beyond the forest and up into the night. I have seen the world fall away, and a white light of forever fill the air," I said.**_

_**"I saw a fire-moon once," he said." It rose over the pass near Dunland. Huge! Red and gold it was, it filled the sky. We were an escort for some merchants from Ered Luin, they were trading in silverware for furs. We took the Greenway south, keeping the mountains to our left, and then it appeared-this huge fire-moon lighting our path**_

_**Now sitting right next to the cell, I start to smile with tears in my eyes. **_

"_**I wish I could show you."**_

We talked for a long amount of time after he told me that story that night. Despite it being a simple conversation, I still did not want to leave. Being in his presence, speaking with him, it felt so magical. I never felt anything like it. I lean over and caress his cold and pale face with my hand.

_**"Come with me," he said, running up to me.**_

_**I looked at him in shock but happiness. I could not believe that he actually wanted me to come with him.**_

"_**I know how I feel, I'm not afraid. You make me feel alive," he said lovingly.**_

_**"I can't," I said honestly, turning away ( as much as it hurt.)**_

_**"Tauriel," he said, gently grabbing my arm. " Amralime."**_

_**I turned my head to face him; feeling startled from his sweet words. It meant "my love" in his mother's tongue. I knew what it meant, but I didn't want to admit it.**_

_**"I don't know what that means," I lied.**_

_**He looked at me with love in his eyes and revealed a big smile.**_

_**"I think you do," he whispered.**_

More tears begin to form in my eyes. At that moment, he pledged his love so openly. Those sweet words he spoke of were towards me and me only. Oh how I wanted to go with him, but I knew that he would get in trouble with his people, as well as mine. I open his hand with the ruin-stone in it, and I gently slide my fingers across it.

_**"My mother gave it to me so I would remember my promise."**_

_**"What promise?"**_

_**"That I would come back to her."**_

This stone, his mother gave him this token to hold onto because she loved him, and she needed to see him again-safe and sound. And he kept the stone because he loved his mother more than words could possible describe, and wished to return to her. But then, before him and I had to part at the shores by the lake of Laketown, he reached for my hand, and I could feel something familiar in my palm. I knew what it was, but I couldn't believe it.

_**"Keep it, as a promise."**_

He in trusted this stone to me, just so we could see each other again. I kept onto it ever since, but I could not keep it now, for it is not mine to keep, but to hold onto. It saddens me to ponder about his dear mother, never seeing him again. I do not know what happened to his elder brother and his uncle, but I know that they went up here with him. They may have not survived either, making it where she would never see her eldest son and brother either.

I stare at his face as I close his hand around the stone once again.

_**"Tauriel...you cannot be her. She is far away. She is far far away from me. She walks in starlight in another world. It was just a dream. Do you think she could of loved me?"**_

Almost as if something in me snapped, many of my imprisoned tears start to break free and I lift him up so I can embrace him. I let out a loud cry and hold him tightly-not wanting to let him go. He openly admitted his love for me many times, even as he was dying. I couldn't tell what he was saying, but I could see it in his eyes. I never had the chance to tell him how I felt.

My cries continue for a while, but then I carefully lean him back down with my hand still in his, and the other resting on his cheek that was scraped with his own blood.

"Kili," I whisper, choking on a sob. "I love you, _amralime_. So much."

I cannot take this agony any longer; it is the foulest pain I have ever gone through. Part of me wishes I would have died with him. I love him. I love him so much. More than anyone, more than life itself.

Calming down my cries, I recall not too long ago, me looking over Kili's body. Eventually, I could see the elf lord who I used to call my king in the corner of my eye. I told him that I wanted to bury the man in my arms. I pleaded with him to somehow take away my pain, and that I did not want it if it was love. I asked why it hurt so much, and then he responded with a response that I was not expecting.

_**"Because it was real."**_

Those four words echo through my head, and suddenly I relieve every moment Kili and I have had, both the good and bad, and I cherish them. Even when I just pressed my lips against his. What I am feeling, is real. Our love, is real. Kili, is real. Without him, I would have lived my whole entire immortal life, never knowing what love was. Although I am experiencing pain, I also feel so alive. Very slowly, I start to smile with a sigh. The reason why I am in such peril is because this man made me smile, laugh, cry, and even feel alive, and I have just lost him. But our love is not lost, and it will never be. Not in a thousand years, not even millions. I would rather go through all of this pain-have these wonderful memories to hold forever-than experiencing nothing at all.

I stare at him for a while longer, and I start to ponder about me being banished from the place I have called home for hundreds of years; therefore, I have nowhere to go. Where WILL I go? Where WILL I end up? I do not know, and I do not care. For at the moment, I am staying here, by his side, not caring about anything else. If I were to bury him, then so be it. For I am truly in love with him.


End file.
